It’s okay to feel afraid. Fear is a natural human emotion, and there are no “bad” emotions.

When you feel fear, allow it to flow through you and release it.

If you try to push it away, it will keep crying out until it’s acknowledged.

That’s what happened when I was having panic attacks this summer. I was afraid of feeling primal fear. I was afraid that if I opened that box then I would drown in fear and never feel happy again.

So I pushed it away.

Fear became like a beach ball in a pool. The harder I pushed it back down under the surface, the bigger it would bounce back up above the water.

I was drowning in fear.

I couldn’t think my way out of it. I couldn’t logic it away. All I knew was paralyzing, terrorizing fear that threatened to consume me.

In my panic, I flailed in the water, thrashing around for something to keep my head above the water. I used the SOS button on panic attack apps. I took anxiety medication. I slept. I watched reruns of Psych. It was a frantic grasping at straws, hoping at least one would work.

I couldn’t face my fear.

I couldn’t name my demons.

I didn’t want them to exist.

But I could no longer ignore them.

Something had to change.

I stopped running. I welcomed the fear when it clawed on my door. I invited it inside and sat with it on the couch. We didn’t become friends, but I listened to her story.

And I cried.

I cried for the four year old who had been imprisoned with fear for the last 38 years.

I felt the fear that hadn’t been safe for her to feel.

And it hurt.

My god, did it hurt.

But with love in my heart, I gave it the space it needed to fully express itself. Eventually, she finished her tale, thanked me for listening, and went on her way.

I know she won’t be back.

She’s no longer imprisoned inside of me.

Facing my fear was by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do, but I’m glad I did it. It took months of grieving before I felt happy again, but it allowed me to heal my deepest soul wound. I now feel integrated, whole, and free. My happiness now has such a sweetness I never knew existed.