When going on a “hidden hike” in the middle of a prestigious college campus in Portland, be sure to download the map from the college website so you know where to park and where the trail starts. Verify said details with Google Maps before driving to said parking lot. You’ll still turn too early and initially park in the wrong lot, change your mind at the last minute, keep driving down the road and ultimately pass the correct parking lot because it’s “hidden” and doesn’t really look like a parking lot. Turn around and FINALLY park in what you HOPE is the right place.
Follow your downloaded campus map and start walking to the access point of this collegiate canyon trail. You’ll pass right by the first entrance because it looks like a bunny trail created by the tramps and ne’er-do-wells that like to camp in any available green space in Portland. Rather than double back when you realize that it WAS the point marked on the map, you’ll forge forward, seeing as the next map marked entrance should be just up ahead. Is it? You won’t find it. You WILL find the gorgeous walking bridge that crosses right OVER the trail you’re here to trek. At that point your bladder will start to act up, even though you performed the empty-the-bladder ritual before leaving the house. You’re an excited peer. Pee-er? Whatever. You are here for a hike, and you are GOING TO ENJOY IT.
At this point forget trying to find the elusive second entrance and go back to brave the tiny trail of questionable origin to finally access the designated hike. A hike that follows a beautiful babbling brook. A beautiful babbling brook that reminds you that all the previous misstarts and back-tracks have provided sustenance for your nervous bladder. No matter, you found the trail and you WILL hike it.
Despite the ever-growing babbling of your bladder, you will still manage to take in the luscious and tranquil fairyland to which you’ve been transported. Let it touch your soul as you make your way under that gorgeous walking bridge (you’ll even get an idea of where that second entrance must reside, a narrow path-that-doesn’t-look-like-a-path hugging the side of the bridge before bravely descending into the canyon below). Are you even still in Portland? How can it be so quiet here? Is that a small waterfall? You could stay there and forget the world and just listen to the rush of the water – NOPE! STILL GOTTA PEE!
When the trail transitions out of the canyon and starts to round the lake, it’s okay to make the wise decision of venturing off the path to find a bathroom and get the babbling out of your bladder so you can truly enjoy this hike. You’ll soon realize that most of the campus is closed because it’s the middle of summer, but as you wander with increasing urgency, you’ll still be able to admire the architecture and be mildly amused that the student dorms are nicer than your home, with their walls of windows overlooking the lake. Eventually a neighbor walking her dog will take pity on you and point you toward some buildings that will likely be open even in summer. You’ll finally stumble through the unlocked back door of the Performing Arts building and find a bathroom between the catering entrance and one of the green rooms. OH, SWEET RELIEF!
The rest of the hike will be pleasant, with only a few wrong turns that lead to interesting little places, likely created for the ecology department to study this natural wonder. Enjoy these “hidden” places.
Make sure to stop occasionally and smell the richness of cedar, feel the textured bark of gnarly and wizened trees, and taste the tangy sweetness of golden plumbs so ripe that half of them have fallen off their branches and now litter the path before you.
On the return loop, make it a point to stop again and truly take in the cleansing sound of the waterfall and the joyful babbling of the brook, this time without the fear of your bladder cleansing its own babbling. Really soak in this forested ambiance.
Go ahead and try new turns. Sure, you’ll find a completely different exit trail, but it’s only a block or two from where you parked. Don’t bother trying to find the “correct” trail. Just take this one and head back to the car. You’ve found and successfully traversed this hidden hike and drank in its wonders. Hold your head high with this knowledge as you walk along the busy street back to the entrance of the parking lot.