My mind is a garden.

My thoughts are its flowers.

And its weeds.

Thoughts are like seeds blown in the wind. They gently land on my mind’s topsoil. Some thoughts will rest there for a minute and then be carried away again, getting caught in the next gust of wind that blows through. Other thoughts might quickly take root and sprout, then just as quickly fade away, not having enough sun or water, or the right soil conditions.

Then there are the thoughts that really take root. These thoughts find rich soil and are cared for daily. I water these thoughts by focusing on them. The sun they need comes from time and attention. They grow when I believe in them.

I have grown some very beautiful flowers in my mind garden.

Life is full of joy is a sunflower, tall and vibrant.

I have a vivacious personality is a stargazer lily, extravagantly fragrant and explosively passionate.

Tenacity grows as a honeysuckle vine, clinging to anything in its path in a wild tangle, its flowers heaven scented.

The flowers of kindness, compassion, peace, and harmony all live in my garden. And love. There is love in every flower that grows, every blossom that opens its face to kiss the sun.

There are also weeds in my garden.

Weeds are negative thoughts that have taken root. They are thoughts that I have watered and cared for and chosen to believe as true. I’m not worthy of success, I must work hard and make money to be a valued member of society, and it’s not okay to fail are just a few of my weeds.

They can even masquerade as flowers. No pain no gain, give it your all, and stay positive are examples of flowery weeds. They look pretty on the surface, but they cause me great harm. No pain no gain: Pain is my body’s way of telling me to stop or slow down. Give it your all: I’ve learned with hypermobility that I can’t give it my all. Giving it my all stretches my ligaments and causes my joints to slip and get stuck out of place. Realistically, I should only give it my 80%. Stay positive: Trying to stay positive caused massive panic attacks because I wasn’t acknowledging my fear.

Spend time regularly weeding your mind garden.

It’s easier to pull weeds before they have a chance to take root. Even then, some weeds root very quickly, and some have had an entire lifetime to grow deep into the earth. When I try to quickly pull these weeds, I only manage to get what is growing above the surface, leaving the root intact. It looks pretty for a little while but keeps growing back. This is like recognizing the thought as a weed and choosing not to water it, but not being curious about WHY I had the thought, or WHERE it came from. Unless I discover the root cause, it will keep returning.

For me, it’s not okay to fail comes from having negative consequences when making mistakes. I’m pretty sure everyone struggles with this to some degree, as this has been a standard form of discipline. Pain as a natural consequence for actions is beneficial when we learn the stove is hot. Emotional or physical pain as a punishment for actions teaches fear, not knowledge. At 42 years old, I am unlearning the fear of making mistakes and that it’s okay to not be perfect. I don’t have to give it my all.

I’m still working on understanding why I think I’m not worthy of success. I think it’s related to the false humility of there’s always someone who can do it better. Sure, there are better artists, better writers out there, but there’s only one me and the unique blend of tenacious joyful vivacity that I put into 80% of all I do. Okay, 110% of all I do. I’d say I’m learning to dial that back as well, but let’s be real. I have a big personality, and I love being extra. I have faith that I will eventually get to the root cause of I’m not worthy of success. For now, I am choosing not to water that thought, and in its place, I’m planting it’s good to share my gifts with the world and if I’m having fun, others will have fun too.

I love my mind garden.

It’s a work in progress, and there are days where my sunny disposition is hiding behind an overcast sky, but the flowers remain.

I picture it as an overgrown cottage garden, with flowers overlapping and everything is just a bit wild.

Beautifully messy.

Like me.